Tools and Tips for Parents to Keep the Music Going
Why helping students go the distance is a big goal of the Conservatory.
Music lessons can be an exciting endeavor for many students, especially during the first thrill of newness in beginning lessons. For some, it is a steady climb of progress with consistent motivation and practice. But for many, it is an up-and-down roller coaster of commitment, alternating periods of engagement with dislike of the daily practicing routine. This is especially noticeable during the junior high years. For those that stay the course, the payoff is great— ease and joy in reading and playing music, confidence, a strong resume for college applications, and meaningful camaraderie with other advanced musicians.
My Experience
As a professor of pedagogy for many years (I teach university piano majors how to teach), I was confident that when I had my own kids it would be easy to be the parent. But being a Mom to two sons who reluctantly studied piano as they were growing up was utterly humbling to say the least. Between the two of them, it was 15 years of often daily arguments about practicing.
My husband and I were committed to the importance of music study for their lives, however, and we hung tough. In the end, both boys thanked us profusely for making them continue. One of them came home from his first month of college and blithely said “I tell all my friends how lucky I am that my parents made me keep studying piano” (just shoot me now…). I think, too, of two of Dr. Kurt’s violin students– Katie and Ross Holmes– who are now in famous country bands like Asleep at the Wheel and the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. People might assume they were just “naturals” and always loving their music lessons. Not so! But their mother was a bulldog and kept bringing them to every lesson and sitting there with them until one day they were hooked - and the rest is history.
A Disclaimer
Do not misunderstand me— it is sometimes NOT the right thing for kids to keep studying, or they need to switch instruments, etc. Only parents know their children’s needs the best of anyone. But if you as the parent ARE committed to keeping your kids in music, continue reading.
Unfortunately there is not a “one size fits all” answer for motivation. Every child is different and, in fact, often what will work for one season won’t work the next. In this blog I merely share a list of tools which we used in our home, and can be used at different times to ride over those inevitable lags in commitment which can occur. Sometimes it takes a village to keep the music going!
For the Parents
You have to keep the door completely shut to their quitting. You absolutely cannot let them sense any wavering or they will hound you to death and wear you down. Matter-of-fact words are best: “This is what our family does. Everyone plays an instrument and does one sport (or other activity).” Become a broken record: “I know you don’t like it, but music is an incredible gift and very valuable for your brain.” Or, this will make them mad: “You will thank me some day…”
My own parents kept the door completely shut and used these same words. My mother relates that I, as the oldest, stomped into practice with a sullen face, my next sister had a tantrum on the floor, and my youngest sister sat silently practicing with tears running down her face.
Try using leverage by tying the practicing to something they like to do. “Feel free to go over to your friend’s house once you have practiced” or “feel free to play video games once you have practiced.” Some seasons at our house, our sons could earn a minute of video games for every minute practiced.
Have a consistent time they practice each day/week. Sometimes you know that T/Th is sports practice and they can’t practice piano, so then you have a regular routine after school the other days. Have a snack, maybe even a brief break to engage in a quick activity, then do the practicing. When sports games change times on the weekends, plan ahead for the block of time when the practicing will happen.
Break up the practicing up into 2 time slots. For one of our sons, we realized that getting it all in after school wasn’t going to happen because his soccer practice was too far away every day and he was too tired. He was coming home so late that we couldn’t eat dinner together either. So we decided to get the whole family up 15 minutes early in the morning. He got up and did 15 minutes of practicing while I made breakfast, then we all had a meal together. That worked so well until it didn’t work anymore!
We never had any shame about using bribery. Sometimes the lure of knowing they were going to get something they wanted was enough to keep them practicing long enough to notice the benefits. The trouble was that this kind of extrinsic motivation quickly becomes old, so we had to use it sparingly. We also would have gone broke because they had expensive tastes…
Beware of the quality vs. quantity issue. We had success with emphasis on both at different times with our sons. Sometimes we would put a clock on and they had to stay at it for, say, 30 minutes (albeit not always quality practicing). Other times the rule was you are done when you have played everything on the lesson assignment 5 times perfectly, emphasizing quality. If it takes 20 tries to get 5 times perfect (because you are going too fast and not focusing) it will take you much longer before you can go out and play.
MY PART AS THE TEACHER
As a teacher for over 50 years, I have been through every kind of up-and-down season imaginable with students. Getting students over the hump of the junior high years, especially, takes great wisdom from my side of things; knowing when to press for more and when to back off and just take what they can give. Again, it is not a one-size-fits all, but as I mentioned earlier, the payoff of getting them to the high school years when they can reap the enormous benefits of playing well is a huge goal of mine and I will use just about any trick to get them there.
I establish a routine in the lesson plan which I expect them to follow in their practice time. Sometimes just having a set system and order (theory work, technique set, their technique book, pieces, sightreading, etc.) is enough to establish a kind of matter-of-fact “go to the piano and do it” mentality. I am also very specific as to HOW to practice - drill measures 5-8 5x perfectly each day, etc.
For students in a particularly busy time of other activities, I will add a chart at the bottom of their lesson assignment and bargain with them as to what they will commit to. Once they agree to practice on certain days they put a check mark over that day during the week when they’ve practiced. I remind them that this is on them and they shouldn’t need their parents to watch over them.
For the younger ones, I give them one “get out of jail free” card. If they haven’t practiced one week, we work together to figure out why and I am sympathetic. But I mention that I will have to bring their parents into it if it happens a second week. Then I follow through after the next unprepared lesson by chatting with the parents afterwards about what we can all do as a team to get a “cycle of success” going.
As a teacher you NEVER know when the passion will hit for a student and they are hooked! My husband (a long-time violin teacher) and I have been stunned over and over again how a student will languish for a couple of years, seemingly having no interest in their instrument. And then suddenly one day for no apparent reason they are on fire for music. It is a mystery and a miracle. Keeping them going through the lull that preceded the passion is a huge responsibility.
During the lulls in commitment I keep teaching good lessons. Just pleasantly practicing with them what was assigned the previous week somehow means they often have the necessary technique and reading skills when they do suddenly “wake up” to the joy of music making. Though I don’t know how this happens, I have seen it over and over.
I build a strong and trusting relationship with each student. I get an incredible amount of mileage from the relationship I build with a student. They know I really like them, so they try to please me. Having that one-on-one time week after week, sometimes for 8 or more years, really helps establish a trust and comfort between us. They trust that I want the best for them, they trust that I like them (well, most of the time…), and they trust that I know what I’m talking about because it has worked so many times. I know technique, I know how to practice, I know what makes music come alive. Having students until high school is a sweet experience.
I help students see that there are seasons of intensity. Yes, there are times when academics are intense and stressful, or there are a lot of sports tournaments, etc. Especially with the junior and senior high students, I am incredibly flexible and understanding about how much they can cover in a week. But then when a piano goal looms, I expect that the practicing will then get first priority, just like what was given to the other activities.
OUR PART AS THE CONSERVATORY
What we are after with all of our students is to establish a cycle of success because SUCCESS itself is the ultimate motivator. When students get good, they can enjoy the music making, be inspired by the music, and love the sense of accomplishment. All of the external motivations we provide to get the cycle of success going are aiming to develop the more long-lasting intrinsic motivator of success and competence. Once students are “hooked,” the parent’s and teacher’s role is less about motivating because the drive and passion are coming from within the student. It’s a gratifying thing to behold as a teacher.
At the Conservatory, we do our part in keeping students inspired by providing many varied goals throughout the year which keeps them always working towards something. It can be a casual or formal recital, a competition or festival, a fun challenge like the Christmas Carol Challenge, or a group repertoire class. NOBODY can sustain music study by just coming to a weekly lesson. It is lonely and isolating. Everyone needs a goal— even us adults! My next blog will be about just that – The Power of the Goal - and all that we do at the Conservatory to ensure our students go the distance!